You kept me up at nights
and got me through my days,
but all I now have left
are these circles under eyes.

– Luc


(Just a piece that fell off from this)

But why?

 

I sat at my window,
watching the last of the drizzle,
going over and over
about the last time we spoke.

 

Gone are those feelings,
both bliss and betrayal,
now all that is left
are these questions that linger.

 

You said you wanted someone nice.
Wasn’t I nice enough,
or was I just too nice?

 

You said you liked them tall.
Was I not tall,
and then some more?

 

You said I’m likable,
but how I missed the ‘but’ that followed.

 

You told me I’m handsome,
then taught me there’s a difference
between handsome
and handsome enough.

 

You made me believe in magic,
but little did I expect
the vanishing act that followed.

 

May be I spoke too much,
but I was afraid that you would leave
if I stopped talking.

 

May be I spoke too less,
but I was afraid of what I might reveal
if I kept talking.

 

I know I should’ve shaved,
and worn my new blue shirt.
But did you notice,
that I’d even combed my hair.

 

I know you have your reasons,
which I won’t pretend to know.
But it eats me up not knowing,
what I could’ve done better.

 

It dries me up just thinking —
will it ever rain again?

 

Ignorance

The danger in getting to know people is that you might actually start liking them.

Guilt

Guilt is the most powerful motivator.
Some might say hunger is;
hunger can make someone steal a piece of bread,
but not make him feed a thousand.
Some say love is;
love can start a war,
but not end one.

– Luc

It’s raining

In its rumbling overtures,
the thunderstorm rhymes with my love.
Even in its fiery disquiet,
there is promise of deliverance;
Yet at its heart,
it's alive with madness.

– Luc

For Auld Lang Syne

I've to write this. Actually I wanted to sit someone down and pour it into their ears, because I was feeling childishly happy. Since I couln't find anyone to tell it, here I'm and here it goes.

 

So what's with the fuss? Well.. I talked to someone from the past. Err, no, I talked to 2 someones actually.

 

So, on Wednesday the 12th, like any normal Wednesday, I was sat on my bed, contemplating life. The time was close to 10AM and I was parking my thoughts in the garage and was starting to get ready for office. A final look at my gmail showed someone who I knew for 7 years from 6th standard to 12th online. We were classmates and friends for 5 years and had visited each others homes a few times as kids and such. I think we've seen once or twice after 12th too. But no contact for at least the last 7-8 years.

 

So yeah, we were friends once and I decided to take a dig at the past. Err, ok. I pinged him.

 

He replied and we had a brief chat. Brief. He just answered my questions in single syllable answers and it was pretty clear that the conversation wasn't exactly welcome. Or may be he was busy at office like other normal people would be, because it was 10AM on a Wednesday for fucks sake. A Wednesday! So, I wound it up quickly and politely, all the while mentally scolding myself for attempting to talk in the first place. Poking ghosts from the past! Who does that?! We were friends once, but we're no longer those kids and no longer friends.

 

Ok, so that kinda dampened my mood, and as I sat there resolving never to repeat such stupid stuff, I saw someone else online. This was a guy I knew for a brief period during my 5th standard, as we both used to attend a coaching class together during weekends and holidays in that school year. And no contact since then, for the last 18 fucken long years. I had in fact googled him up a couple of years ago and had sent a couple of messages but he hadn't replied. So this was certainly a no-go.

 

Thing is, I remembered us being friends and even liking him, so well, what the hell, I thought, and sent a "hi".

 

And waited.

 

"???", came his reply.

 

Err fuck. Why don't I learn to give things a rest! But since he replied, I asked him if he remembers me.

 

He replied yes, and I asked him what's he doing these days. We talked a bit more. Apparently he's doing PG in dentistry and told me he would talk later as he had to attend to patients. So he said he would ping later on WhatsApp and we exchanged phone numbers.

 

He messaged a few hours later and we talked again. But this time, the tone of the conversation changed immediately. He started talking like we had always been friends. He even said "poda thendi" (an expletive) when I said something. We kept talking and I remembered his younger brother's name and his mom's name both and asked him to convey them my regards. I knew them both. Our mom's knew each others too and might have even been friends then. We've even lived together for 10 days or so in a shared hotel room for our coaching thing. So yeah…

 

He asked for a pic of mine, which he sent to his mom. I sent an old pic of me during that period and she remembered me! She asked for my mom's number and later my mom told me she called (from abroad!) and talked for nearly half an hour and they were both happy talking to each other after a such loooooooong time and my mom said they talked about meeting sometime and stuff.

 

We talked more and he invited me to Mangalore where he's staying! He was playful like (I think) I remember him from those old days. He said I could stay with him and we could party and all. I asked him to call on me if he ever visits my city too. We talked later in the eve as well. I won't bore (myself) with more details, but it felt like talking to a friend. He even asked me if I've any "affairs", LOL. All in all, the whole thing went well and I was feeling so happy.

 

Ok, that's it. Crazy, right? Yeah, it might just end with these messages and we might not talk for another 18 years…

 

But still,.. fuck.. right?!

“He needed some space.
I kicked the walls of the universe
and it kept expanding ever since.”

– Luc

Less

Kevin bought Suya a house, CL said.

If you compare me with others, you will always find me less, I said.